Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Yup, wholeheartedly agree. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Especially with comments like, I have anxiety and I would never act like this! Not everyones anxiety is the same. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. :-). Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. If it's me, I would prefer stay home and rest till the baby gets older and low maintenance Do it!! Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? This is a really, really big deal. The Sigma Derby game in the MGM Grand is a lot of fun. I won money on a work trip to Vegas - do I have to donate it to my employer? In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. Reading it again, its a bit confusing, but I still think the husbands friends arent agreeing with him. You need to do this to protect your relationship, because frequent anger is corrosive and damaging. This is very aptly put Anonymous Poster. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. Food! They just find more things to get worried about. On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. I think (I hope!) When the plans were being made hubby was not over excited but was ok with it. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? I LOVE it when my wife travels. Ive been to very big conferences in cities that cant really handle them, and its obnoxious to have to wait in line for 30 minutes to get coffee or make a hotel room reservation months and months in advance. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. Good luck to you in standing firm. Conversely, if he came home with the same news, my response would be, Thats great! Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Im someone who immediately leaps to the Worst Possible Scenario thanks to my anxiety. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. A week? Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! Whoever heard of such a thing, going to Sin City for work! Id go with the anxiety answer first. My husband was very upset. Just dont pack up and leave while theyre out of town and not even leave a note. Being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk.. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Counseling is the best and most realistic option for helping him get into a healthy head space. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! Mmm.. Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. Its been 12 years for me. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. Did you see the memo that was going around from Travis Kalanik of Uber (shortly before he was forced out)? Her hotel room was amazing, and Im pretty sure it had a little museum in that hotel too. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. Of course control issues are a possibility. Pretty much. From the outside, his train of thought is totally irrational. I also tried talking through some of his wilder concerns. So, hell have to ban the East Coast, too. Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. The counseling would then help them sort out their individual issues as well as provide them tools to handle the communitys judgment as well. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. The letter writer husband is waving some pretty sizable red flags. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. FWIW, I am a married woman and had to travel to Vegas many times for work, and had to drive to dozens of locations the entire time. About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. I thought my mom was the only one like this. A good couples counselor who can handle the individual issues after using the couple-relationship to establish a good rapport with an individual who is resistant to treatment in a traditional one-on-one setting is not a bad way to start tackling these issues, and has the added bonus of giving the OP an opportunity to select a therapist she trusts. This reminds me of when I studied abroad in London and my mom warned me about people like Jack the Ripper. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. Shopping! Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. If my partner acted like he thought he got a vote on whether I was allowed to do things, especially things relating to my career, Id laugh him out of the relationship so fast hed get whiplash. I went shopping. If youre the breadwinner, you obviously have to go on the trip. I sometimes know and I often dont. So yeah somethings just not right. My grandmother pays for the trip. (Great people that I wish I could work with.no real role for me in what they do, though.). If yes, how does he handle those trips? 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I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. For example, my wife likes to go for walks, and sometimes takes a scenic route while enjoying herself outside (She loves hiking and exploring in nature). Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. That shows lack of trust in me, and thats no bueno. You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. Its better than it has been at times, but it never quite goes away. What if you could guarantee there wouldnt be any impact on your career either way, and your husband didnt have an opinion either way? my husband has his guy trip (fishing) this year i took a weekend with my mom. Answer (1 of 25): There could be a few reasons why a husband may not want to go out with his wife. You (both individually and as a family) need your income. I get heated at the principle of spouses letting each other do things. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. As Allison said, people travel for work all the time. Most of them suffer from anxiety and sensory issues so they think Vegas sounds terrible in practice. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. My own brain is like that. Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. And here's what we think . I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Youre adults. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . even though this event is in Las Vegas, XCorp still expects its employees to hold themselves to our high standard of professionalism, My team goes to DC every year for a conference and I always tell them something like, The conference schedule is packed and unfortunately were not going to have any time for sightseeing or tourism. Because were not one being known collectively as The Couple, were two individuals who just really like each other, but also respect each others autonomy. Marriage counseling is good for me so I know how to commute to her and not roll my eyes and whisper not this again when she does go off the on a tangent. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Theyve had a lot of issues actually, and it kind of doesnt work for her. I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. Im talking a hotel on Wall Street, just a block or two from the NYSE, and one literally around the corner from the White House. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. going together would send the message that its an us issue. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Only discussing the precise words given in the letter: Sure, anxiety may be amplifying his concerns, but anxiety doesnt make a respectful, supportive, loving spouse demand that their wife refuse to attend a business trip. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. I came to say the same thing. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. It comes across as so controlling. I definitely do know what you mean, and what the OP describes is definitely on the problematic side of asking for permission she listed off reasons the husband has given that she shouldnt go to this particular place, not reasons why it would be logistically difficult for him or any other rational concerns. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. If this isreally about more than the fear of cheating, it sounds like there arepretty serious anxiety issues in play here. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Vegas! Since its the church he was raised in, she feels like his judgement rules on that. Period. THANK you. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. He would also get mad at my mom for not responding to his texts even when he knew she was driving somewhere. The whole city is like a giant theme park for adults. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. This sounds less like anxiety and more like controlling/abusive behavior. ? and his friends being like yeah man, Vegas is a scummy place for scummy people. I hope they can find a solution. The difference is it wasnt that he didnt trust ME, or that he was worried about me getting drawn into some sinful situation. Being worried about my safety seemed a bit off since I was being chauffered around with a group of his female relatives. But he didnt make a peep when we took her to Vegas for our wedding! Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. It doesnt mean you dont love him, and it doesnt mean either of you are bad people. There is plenty to do in Las Vegas that has nothing to do with sin and can be done in any big city (restaurants, shopping, going to theater, etc.). :). BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. Agreed! (No, actually, a real list.) He gets anxiety about it, but he doesnt try to stop me from going he knows it is part of my job. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? Hmm Shes probably going to cheat on me in Vegas because thats what people do in VegasWait I cant say that, of course shes going to deny ithmm, what else can I say to convince her to stay Kidnapping! In the end, she chose her career and her child (who was 4 years old then) over her husband, because she eventually realized that this behavior was not normal, and was not a reflection on her. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! Clearly it was a biased survey either way, but Im just very curious :P. I can totally see it being true assuming his friends were not also her friends and therefore only ever got his side of the story on anything, so of course they believe him and think shes in the wrong. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. My husband got sent there on a business trip as well. She once had a fit that I was going to Target at 8:00 on a Wednesday. That doesnt mean I believe totally that hubby polled everybody and reports the results fairly, but it really doesnt have to be an indication that he ignored a local majority to find like-minded people. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. And voila- you're on the coast! Not because marriage counseling is likely to stop the abuse you are right, it wont. If it's something you really want to do, then I'm sure you can make it work, but it won't be easy. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. Certainly do not risk your career by bailing on this completely reasonable work trip. Thanks. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? I dont think its either/or, necessarily. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. Agreed. I think it was just awkward phrasing and the intent of the update meant his friends objected to the very idea of letting their spouse go to Vegas. Its just as likely that hes just jealous and controlling, like every other sap who clamps down on his partners autonomy. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. There are opportunities everywhere for illicit behavior, even at home. If you have time to arrange a therapist, try to meet with several and then pick the one that is the best fit. My *70 year-old* cousins house. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. Same with mine. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. I trust my wife but I dont trust a lot of strange people. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. Contributors control their own work and . It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. Right on the top!! If the wife approaches it as a joint issue, that demonstrates goodwill rather than blame, and is more likely to get the husband into the therapists office. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. Finally, I can think of far better places to hold business meetings like Atlanta you have to change planes here anyway, so why not?? I know this is a long-shot, but anyone else think theres a real chance that this is the employee from this thread: https://www.askamanager.org/2017/03/my-employee-is-refusing-to-travel-because-her-husband-said-she-cant.html? But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. The thing is he takes work trips more often than I do! I only want to know if hes going to be out so that Im not expecting him and can therefore do something else. They have to want to change. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. I think youre going to get a lot of pile on against your husband here I do hope you feel supported and not overwhelmed. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. Asking for baseline respect should not be a fraught conversation. Just because people traveling for pleasure to Las Vegas give the impression that its a place to go wild, thats not what a work retreat/meeting is going to be like in any way. My professional association alternates years between Vegas and Disney for its annual conference because those two places are both great for massive groups of people at a reasonable price. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. Yeah, this. Maybe Im wrong. Somehow everyone turns into a sexual predator after dark. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT.

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